The PGA Tour heads to Pebble Beach this week, myyyyyyyyy second favorite re-curing venue behind TPC Sawgrass (The Players). Coming fresh off the rowdiest site of the Tour season this week won’t disappoint with highlights either. The Celebrity Pro Am is always cool. I guess. 

This week always confuses me. They play like 3 courses or something and some rounds are teams and some are solo and really all I know is somehow Mickelson seems to win all the time. 

There will be the obligatory Chris Berman from a green side trap clip, the obligatory oh wow look how wacky that Bill Murray is with the Marshalls, and the obligatory story of whatever NFL QB plays well and is there anything he can’t do?

Fuck that. 

Here’s a breakdown of the most and least celebrity partners I’d want to team up with. 

The Best 

1. Bill Murray

I know it’s a total homer pick and guess what? I don’t care. You spend your life working at country clubs and you pass on 18 holes with Carl Spackler then I don’t want to know you. I don’t even want to hear any Caddy Shack lines (alright that’s a lie). Plus for some unexplained reason I feel like we both don’t like Rick Reilly. So we can talk about that. Tears in his eyes I guess…

2. Alfonso Ribeiro

I grew up on Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I would fully enjoy pumping 2 to 5 Transfusions into Carlton and just get all the dirt from those FP days back in the mid-90s. All the hookers that the dude who played the butler killed, how many times the hot older sister had to have her stomach pumped, or how much blow Uncle Phil was doing on set?? 

Plus he’s like super competitive and probably a natural athlete (black) and I think he used to do semi pro car racing. So boom, he’s in. 

3. Mark Wahlberg

Let’s see. Would I like to spend 4 plus hours with the original Vinnie Chase and hear all the true Entourage back stories?  Yes please. Would I like to spend 4 plus hours gettting him to do the “You’re nawt a cahp!” line from The Departed? Yes please. Would I like to spend- you get the idea. Plus he’s a low index so he’ll be relevant in most holes. 

4. Andy Roddick

Seems like a total goofball and has to have some kind of golf skills. Tennis and golf are very transferable for reasons unknown to science. Would just be a nice laid back round with a lot of laughs. Plus if needed, I feel like he could fill up the dug out with recreationals. 

5. Huey Lewis

Uhhh I don’t care what the activity is, you’re not going to not be on Huey Lewis’ team. That’s Day One stuff. Plus you know he’s going to the sickest post round parties. Coat tails puss like you read about. 

The Worst

1. Carson Daly

I have Carson on the worst list for not the obvious reason; he’s probably a douce. I actually think he’d be a pretty cool dude to hang out with. However he’s the host of whatever now and I only know him from TRL so we would have absolutely ZERO to talk about. Just forced pleasantries for 4 plus hours? No thank you. Also, no one wants to be standing next to Carson Daly, in front of people, for long periods of televised time…

2. Josh Duhamel

See above. Think I’m getting cuck’d on TV? Nahhhhh. 

3. Kenny G

Other than his Christmas stuff, his music can take a hike. Plus I doubt Kenny G is going to be drawing huge galleries at Pebble. And I’m also pretty sure I don’t want to know the people who would follow around Kenny G at Pebble. 

4. Larry the Cable Guy

I don’t think this one requires a lot of explanation. I don’t think I could spend 4 plus hours with this guy without screaming myself hoarse about how not funny anything he’s ever done is. Actually I take that back. I’m sorry. I don’t think I could spend 4 plus hours with him period. 

5. Wayne Gretzky

I know that this one is a bit of a wild card. Like why wouldn’t you want to hang with The Great One all day? I would. It’s be the best day of my life probably. But consider the venue my friend. I’m actually surprised he’s playing to be honest. All I would think about is that DJ is two groups behind us and has snorted a metric ton of coke off your daughter’s impeccable breasts. I don’t know, he’d be able to read it all over my face and it’d be horrific. No thanks. 

So enjoy the tournament or more likely enjoy the highlights of celebrities hitting horrible/ insanely lucky shots. Remember, no more footballlllllll on Sundaaaaaayyyssssss. 

Tiger also announced that he’s returning next week for Riviera. So he’s got that going for him. Which is nice. 

Notable Mentions

Bill Belichick, Chris Berman, Larry Fitzgerald, Andy Garcia, Peyton Manning, Aaron Rogers, Ray Romano, Alex Smith, Justin Timberlake