I was just sitting there minding my own business, when out of nowhere I feel my phone vibrate.  I check my phone, only to see one of the most unexpected headlines I have ever read.

Hey Jose, ever had dog food?  Tastes exactly how it smells. DELICIOUS!  Truly astonishing. It’s one of those headlines that have to be read a couple of times regardless of reading level. 

Couple of things here.

  1. Why eat it? Is that some kind of Cuban witchcraft ritual that makes him a US citizen?  If you eat the passport, you become the passport.  Was there no better way to destroy it? He couldn’t burn it, shred it, or boof it? How bad do you even want it Jose?
  2. Props to whoever is responsible for convincing Abreu to eat his own passport. Top shelf persuasion.  Just a wild guess, but he’s probably the same kind of guy who’ll ask you if “this is queer?” before punching you.
  3. The interrogation of Abreu.  What techniques did they use to get Abreu to squeal?  A little good cop, bad cop?  I’d love to see the footage of Abreu’s confession.  An exhausted and frustrated Abreu after hours of torture finally uttering the words, “I ate the passport ok?! You happy?! I fucking ate it!!”
  4. Abreu has a lifetime spot on an L ride any time.  Just a valuable asset to have. If you have eaten your own fake passport, I can only assume that you would have absolutely no problem eating a joint.
  5. I was immediately reminded of one of my favorite YouTube videos of all time. That’s right, The Man Forced To Eat His Own Beard.
  6.  I thought this story was about Bobby Abreu for a significant and concerning amount of time.